I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
