The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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