hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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