i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
