im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
