I think I died a long time ago.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
