I hate all girls vehemently.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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