Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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