if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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