turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
