is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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