my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
