In the future we'll all be gay
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
