Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
