it wasn't lemon gatorade
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
