Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
