just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
