Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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