Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
