I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
