My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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