I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
