but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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