He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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