i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
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