Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
