I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
