I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
