I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
