dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
