dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
