i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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