I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
