pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
