He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
