My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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