There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think I sprained my soul last night
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
