Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
