I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
