On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
