i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
