I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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