I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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