yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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