This is not my ceiling
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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