I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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