I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
