saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
