...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
