apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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